Don’t be hard on yourself for opening your heart. Don’t feel silly. You’re allowed to feel as deeply as you want no matter the time, distance or connection. It’s not foolishness, it’s bravery.
Your gentle heart will be ok so don’t close it down. Whatever you do, please don’t close it back down.
For the first time in your life you fully showed up, flaws and all. You communicated when you wanted to put walls up, you accepted differences without judgment, you laughed, you cried, you felt butterflies, you made mistakes, you swallowed your pride, your learned, you grew, you didn’t hide any parts of yourself and you did that thing you always do. You cared.
Don’t be mad at him, sweet girl. This isn’t who you are. Pray for his happiness and release him back into the Universe. Send him love for your experience and remember we’re all doing the best we can.
I know you think you deserve better than that ending but maybe so did he. Don’t forget your role in this whole connection. You’re both the villain in the story.
Remember the joy, the excitement, the curiosity and the happiness it brought you. Don’t forget that. Remember what it felt like and hold onto that because it will come around again faster than you think.
Your intentions were real. That’s beautiful. Don’t make yourself wrong for that.
You have no control over anyones actions, intentions or behaviour.
In a world that feels so harsh at times, you’re still so soft and gentle and capable of having love for everyone in your space. You didn‘t let the pain change you all those years ago.
Allow people to be who they are. You must hold love and care for them no matter what because that’s what you are. You are love and you are kindness in a human body.
So don’t cry, sweet girl. Don’t let it make you feel like you’re not enough. There is someone praying for a girl like you.
I know you’re angry but it will pass. It always does. One day you will think of him and think “ thank you, I needed that”.
Stop comparing your feelings to what his may be. It doesn’t matter who felt what. What matters is that you felt. For the first time in a long time, you felt. And it felt real but it didn’t work out so be ok with that. You know the lengths you were willing to take to try. That counts, so be ok with that.
Your plans have changed. So what? You’re a gyspy soul, make new plans. That’s what you do. You are as free as the wind.
I know home doesn’t feel like home anymore but it will. Let go of that pressure you have on yourself. You wanted him to be home but he was a beautiful lesson, instead.
You don’t need to go back just yet.
Remember that time Oprah said “ when you don’t know what to do, do nothing.” So maybe do that.
Stay where you are until you feel more clear on whats next.
Have you forgotten you’re a writer? Write! Get drunk, kiss boys and write about it. Write about the ocean, the hills and the people you meet. Take people on a journey with you. Share the deepest darkest parts on yourself with your pen and paper.
Tear up that return ticket and clarity will come. Healing will come. Peace will come. All the people, places and things will arrive.
You are a young gypsy with an old soul. Never forget the magic in your bones.
When you’re ready, it will all make sense.
Keep praying gyspy soul. x